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6 Hilarious Blurbs for Fictional Books

The novels that never were

There are several books mentioned in pop culture that we learn (after a google and disappointed sigh) don’t exist. Just because they don’t exist, though, doesn’t mean they don’t deserve their own jacket descriptions.

 

Here’s what we imagine you would find on the back cover of these novels:

 

1. “A Match Made in Space” by George McFly ("Back To The Future")

Cover of "A Match Made in Space"

courtesy of FlavorWire

 

A long time ago in this galaxy… on Earth, as a matter of fact, Darth Vader plays cupid. Matching Lorraine Baines and George McFly to avoid a devastating rapture was no easy task. In this novel, witness George avoid a brain-meltdown by trying to accomplish the impossible feat that every high school boy attempts: get a date to the dance.

 

2. “Voyages With Vampires” by Gilderoy Lockhart ("Harry Potter")

Cover of "Voyages with Vampires"

courtesy of Pinterest

 

“A must read!” - Gilderoy Lockhart

 

“The imagery -- wow!” - Gilderoy Lockhart

 

“I couldn’t put it down!” - Gilderoy Lockhart

 

3. “Now It Can Be Told” by Kilgore Trout ("Breakfast of Champions")

Cover of "Now It Can Be Told"

courtesy of Eric Rosenberg Design

 

Dear sir, poor sir, brave sir. You are an experiment by the Creator of the Universe. You are the only creature in the entire Universe who has free will. You are the only one who has to figure out what to do next...and why. Everybody else is a robot, a machine. Some people seem to like you, and others seem to hate you. You must wonder why. They are machines programmed to simply like or hate. You are pooped and demoralized. Why wouldn't you be? Of course it is exhausting, having to reason all the time in a universe which wasn't meant to be reasonable.

 

4. “The Man Inside Me” by Tobias Fünke ("Arrested Development")

Cover of "The Man Inside Me"

courtesy of Amazon

 

Have you been having problems opening up to your family and loved ones? Are there things you are hiding deep down and far out of sight? Well, with this book, you can come out and say it proudly!

 

5. “The Mad Trist” by Sir Launcelot Canning ("The Fall of the House of Usher")

Cover of "The Mad Trist"

 

“A book so enveloping you can LITERALLY hear everything that is happening!” -The New York Times

 

“I can’t remember the last time a romance novel was so eerily relatable!” - Publishers Weekly

 

“The end broke and nearly killed me.” - Random House

 

6. “Pawnee: The Greatest Town in America” by Leslie Knope (Parks and Rec)

Cover of "Pawnee"

courtesy of SplitSider

 

(This one already had its own description written, and has since become a book!)

 

Welcome to Pawnee: More Exciting than New York, More Glamorous than Hollywood, Roughly the Same Size as Bismarck, North Dakota In Pawnee, Leslie Knope (as played by Amy Poehler on NBC's hit show "Parks and Recreation") takes readers on a hilarious tour through her hometown, the Midwestern haven known as Pawnee, Indiana. The book chronicles the city's colorful citizens and hopping nightlife, and also explores some of the most hilarious events from its crazy history--like the time the whole town was on fire, its ongoing raccoon infestation, and the cult that took over in the 1970s. Packed with laugh-out-loud-funny photographs, illustrations, and commentary by the other inhabitants of Pawnee, it's a must-read that will make you enjoy every moment of your stay in the Greatest Town in America.

 

“Carrying this book around is a good way of picking up girls with glasses.” - Tom Haverford

“I have read over four books, and this is by far the one that has me in it the most.” -  Andy Dwyer

“Literally the greatest endeavor of human creativity in the history of mankind.” - Chris Traeger

 

Quotes courtesy of Hyperion Books and Amazon